“I Wanted It to Look Symetrical”: Wes Anderson Chops Other Leg off of Man Already Missing Leg

In an act of strict adherence to his artistic style, director Wes Anderson reportedly used a machete to chop the left leg off of one Bob Bickles—a beloved local veteran who was already missing his right leg before the incident.

Anderson (surrounded by a posse consisting of Bill Murray, Owen Wilson, and a two-dimensional supporting female character) defended the decision, telling THR, “It’s all about visual equilibrium. That extends to everything I do — from the visual style of my shot composition to when I see some random man missing a leg on the street outside of Starbucks.”

After sneaking up on Bickles—who was awarded a purple heart after losing his right leg saving several disabled orphans—Anderson brutally mutilated his left leg, chopping at it repeatedly with a machete until it was cleaved clean off. Anderson then reportedly forced a bleeding Bickles to pose in front of the symmetrical archway of an art deco building. Onlookers spotted Anderson giving Bickles notes like, “a couple inches to the left” and “any chance you can control some of that blood splatter so it gets on the other side, too?”

When asked for comment, Bickles had this to say from his hospital bed: “First The Phoenician Scheme and now this? I’m starting to think Wes Anderson’s self-indulgence in his own style has gone too far.”

A Harvard Lampoon parody