“This City Will Chew You Up and Spit You Out”

Hollywood is finally done with Marten Weiner. The son of Matthew Weiner, creator and showrunner of Mad Men, Marten began his career as a child actor playing Glen on… big surprise, Mad Men.

Since single-handedly tanking the show’s ratings in 2007, Marten struggled to book another role.

“This city is heartless,” Weiner complained, now in his 19th year of unemployment. The nepo baby proceeded to take a final drag of his cigarette before flicking the butt into the dry brush behind him. The Santa Monica hillside immediately erupted into flame.

“If only my dad would write some movie with a 27-year-old next. I could even play a 30-year-old if I had to,” he said, as a family of four drove by screaming. Weiner seemed unaware of his father’s latest project, an unnamed coming-of-age film starring Timothée Chalamet.

Weiner was most recently passed over for the role of Mechanic Pig (Male) in Angry Birds 3, a role that went to a newcomer with no prior credits. “I can even play a goddamn pig, I told them that!” he continued, absently brushing embers from his hair as the fire jumped the freeway to downtown Los Angeles.

“I’m not bitter. I’m just being honest about the industry,” Weiner clarified as a plane dropped fire retardant directly overhead.

As of press time, the Weiner Fire had consumed 800 acres. “This town hasn’t seen the last of me,” Weiner added before THR’s team fled the scene. Marten Weiner was 27.

A Harvard Lampoon parody