Orb of Stupor Attends Met Gala, Leaves Papparazzi Mystified

At times, this year’s Met Gala theme “Formal/Fancy Outfits” felt a bit flat, or even basic. Tom Holland sported a formal suit, while Zendaya was spotted in a fancy dress. Luckily, the evening was saved when The Orb of Stupor attended the Gala, leaving paparazzi genuinely mystified.

The Orb of Stupor, having just come off a truly baffling global tour, absolutely bewildered the paparazzi when it floated down the red carpet in an outfit that can only be described as utterly flummoxing. Said veteran paparazzo Bubba Antony, “I was honestly perplexed. I mean, just authentically befuddled. Verifiably discombobulated.” Though The Orb’s outfit was extensively discussed, not a single photo exists of it. This is perhaps because the paparazzi were certifiably bamboozled by its mere presence, but it could also be due to the fact that The Orb’s nipples were visible the entire time.

Though several stars attempted to shift attention away from The Orb, they were no match for its stupefying essence. Timothée Chalamet laughed loudly.

Harry Styles even publicly confirmed his oft-speculated sexuality to an interviewer, but still The Orb reigned supreme.

Lady Gaga, who is known to stun with her outlandish Met Gala outfits, was thoroughly upset by the entire affair. Gaga showed up an hour late to the festivities as The Cube of Perplexity, but was entirely upstaged by The Orb. Even worse for Gaga, Gwen Stefani showed up in a dress made of strangely shaped vegetables meant to represent the plight of farm workers with sickle-cell disease, which everyone was unstupified for long enough to agree was way better than the meat dress.

When reached for comment, The Orb said:

At vero eos et accusamus et iusto odio dignissimos ducimus qui blandcaecati cupiendi optio omnis dolor repellendus. Temporibus autem quibusdam et aut officiis debitis aut rerum necessitatibus saepe eveniet ut et voluptates repudiandae sint et molestiae non recusandae. Itaque earum rerum hic tenetur

Which, when translated, means “stop looking at my nipples.”

A Harvard Lampoon parody