So, This Guy’s Clearly Lying, Right? Christopher Nolan Claims to Live With No Phone, Computer, Email, Plumbing, Heat, Water, or Food

While publicizing his newest film, The Odyssey, Nolan claimed that he has sworn off all earthly possessions and now lives in a dilapidated hovel on the side of the road. The centimillionaire says the experience keeps him “grounded and humble.”

We reporters at THR, skeptical of this alleged living situation, went to investigate the claims in person. Upon arriving at the hovel and knocking, we heard the faint sound of a toilet flushing, followed by five minutes of loud clanging. Finally, a flustered Nolan opened the door:

“Sorry for the delay. I was…churning butter.”

About thirty minutes into our visit, one of our reporters pulled back a curtain that she assumed concealed a bathroom. Despite Nolan’s cries of protest, it was too late, and behind the curtain was a massive factory. Inside, thousands of PAs scurried about, attending to Nolan’s every need.

The PAs barely registered our intrusion, but those that did were horrified. “Where are the curtain PAs? The CURTAIN PAs!” one of them shouted. Two malnourished NYU film majors rushed over and tried to pull the curtain shut, but they were easily overpowered by a mild breeze.

“I, er, I don’t really touch curtains.”

Nolan explained. “They distract me from my craft.”

We stepped into the lair, and the environment was cacophonous. Hundreds of text pings sounded every second, along with the little Gmail whooshing noise when you send an email. In one corner of the room, ten PAs crowded around a single computer labeled “Non-linear plot structures,” while another group crowded a computer labeled “emails w/ Sir Michael Caine.”

When we asked Nolan if he had anything to say for himself, he seemed confused, and slowly sat on the ground. “He’s grown weak!” A nurse PA shrieked. “You’ve exhausted him!” The accusation PA said.

“Water…”

Nolan whispered. Almost immediately, a water PA appeared with a bottle, which was opened by the opening things PA, and passed off by the passing stuff PA to the pouring PA, who tenderly gave Nolan a few sips of water, assisted by the assistant pouring PA. “Don’t you see?” the explained PA explained in Nolan’s voice, “He can’t do all of this on his own. Water, food, emails. He only does movies.”

A Harvard Lampoon parody